Donald Trump shook the political world Saturday morning when he announced that he would be dropping out of the Presidential race.
“I’ve come to the realization that, as many have said, I am unfit to be President,” said Trump at the surprise press conference. “I took a good long look in the mirror and realized that I am a deplorable narcissistic a-hole. Such a person has no business in pursuing the office of the Presidency.”
When asked what he will do now, Mr. Trump said that he plans to set out on a journey of self-redemption and discovery. “I’m a lost person,” he said. “I need to find myself. I need to fix this mess. First I’m going to personally apologize to everyone I’ve insulted. then I’m going to donate my entire fortune to charity. And then I’m going to go isolate myself in the mountains to purge my soul through the art of meditation and mindfulness and hopefully, become a new man.”
Multiple representatives of the Trump campaign expressed joy in not having to pretend to like or support Mr. Trump any more. “Honestly, we were all in this for the money. We know Trump’s an idiot,” said a high-ranking Trump campaign surrogate who spoke on condition of anonymity.